New Year Resolution

2014 

I will practice Faith over Fear!

Faith is not always easy. But it feels so much better than fear. Faith gives me the freedom to believe that everything will work out, that God will bless my effort, and that I will become my best self.

I will take what is good in my life and make it great without worrying about what’s not working, and without planning for the worse case scenario. Faith catapults me into God’s blessings. For how can God bless me if I’m always planning for and discussing the worse case scenario? I can find joy in the midst of life’s uncertainty and chaos, if I choose faith and reject fear.

I will continue to embrace Faith, and allow it to transform me and teach me patience as I endure and enjoy life. The patience I gain by faithful endurance will equip me to continue on the journey as I mature, grow closer to God, and stop worrying. Faith grows during difficulty, doubt, disappointment and fear.  Faith will sustain me and gives me Hope!

I will praise God in the midst of everything. So that no matter what is happening in my life, good or bad, if I praise God and seek his face, then I will allow myself to be more blessed, more grateful and more satisfied.

I will love and support the dreams of my son, while I enjoy watching him become the man God made him to be. It’s not easy to let go of a child when he becomes an adult, but as I allow him to grow and make his own choices, I get to embrace his individuality and appreciate that fact that I did the best I could raising him. Now I will just cover him in prayer, give advice when asked, and remind him of his amazing potential, his greatness within, and his ability to make a positive impact.

I will create a life that is inviting to a future life partner and I will continue to cultivate and honor relationships with my girlfriends.

I will be strong and confident. And on those days when I feel weak and uncertain, I will thank God for all that I have. I will purposefully change my attitude, control my thoughts, and determine myself to choose joy and peace until my strength and confidence returns.

I will wake up thankful for a new day and a fresh start.

I will focus on being efficient, inspiring, and useful as I make a difference.

And I will go to sleep each night thanking God for another day lived well!

Best Friends

An Open Letter to My Girlfriends,

Recently I flew to the Bahamas to stay with some other basketball moms and enjoy our sons playing in a Thanksgiving week tournament. Since moving to Lawrence, KS a couple months ago, I have met a new girlfriend, the type who seems to me would be a great ‘best friend’.  Thank God for her! She is my age, trusts in God, loves a good conversation and a good glass of wine, and she lives just a few blocks from my home. When I told her I was going to the Bahamas for a week, she asked me if I needed a ride to the airport in KC, which happens to be an hour away from Lawrence.  At first I said no, but then I took her up on it, but feeling incredibly guilty for the trouble it might be. I even called her the morning she was supposed to pick me up, and I said, “I’ll just drive myself”. She said, “Why? I was looking forward to it. It’s really no problem.”  So I went for it. I let her drive me to the airport and it felt so good to have a friend. On the way, she asked me when I was coming back. I told her and she said she would pick me up.  Even then, I said I would try to find someone else (as if I knew anyone else who could pick me up.)  I was new here. I had not established any girlfriends yet and I was not dating anyone, so who in the world was going to pick me up?!

Actually, as I type this it occurs to me that I do have one sweet new girlfriend who I stayed with when I first arrived in Kansas, but she works full-time and lives in a different city, making it impossible for her to pick me up. My son would be in class or basketball practice, and I knew no one except my new friend Pam who was driving me to the airport already, so why wouldn’t I just gratefully say yes, and make the arrangement now for her to pick me up……?  Well, it turns out that I was more comfortable asking my dog-sitter to pick me up and offering to pay her for gas, but she is also a college student and had classes during that time. So, finally, the day before I returned, I text Pam to apologetically ask her if she would pick me up from the airport.  She said, “Of course. I was planning on it.”  OH? I thought, as I apologized again and said thank you.

Which brings me to the topic of girlfriends.  

On the way home from the airport Dec 2nd, Pam asked me what I was doing for the holidays. I told her that my son would fly back to Portland to see his dad for a few days. She asked me why I was not flying home to see friends or family. I told her that my parents would be in Mexico and my friends were all married and would be doing things with their own families. She asked me if I had any siblings and I told her that my only sibling had died at age 21. After she dropped me off at my newly rented home in Lawrence, I spent the rest of the day thankful for her kind friendship! The next day I caught up with a few of my girlfriends by text and went to a couple of appointments, and felt productive. But, by the end of the day, I was alone and lonely again. As soon as I heard Christmas music, I began to cry and feel sorry for myself. I realized that for those of you who I consider to be my best friends, I have done such a terrible job staying in touch, that you often have no idea when I am going through a rough time or about to spend the holidays all alone in a new city.

In fact I have done a lousy job being a friend to those I consider my closest girlfriends. 
It is sharing good times and bad times, that make us close, right?  And, isn’t it needing to depend on each other as a shoulder to cry on, as well as to laugh ridiculously hard with, which creates the friendship bond?  It’s the ability to bear our souls to one another that builds ‘best friends’  and I have not wanted to open up like that ever since my divorce 16 years ago. I have neglected myself of best friends because I was too embarrassed about not having enough money, or showing my pain and suffering and failures to you. I didn’t want to burden my girlfriends with the things that burdened me. So I began to hold things inside and only call you when things were good. And every time I was having a day that I really needed a friend, I would retreat inwardly and alone, until I felt worse, before feeling better again. Before long, so much time passed that I used that as the excuse for not calling you.

Every sad or heartbreaking day that I may have had in the past 16 years, that I have chosen not to share with any of my girlfriends, has separated us rather than creating the strong bond that I so desperately needed! And the one time that I opened myself up and fell in love with a man, I shared all my secrets with him, then felt completely stupid and broken-hearted when it ended. Every time that I have cried myself to sleep wishing I had someone to talk to, the ‘every other holidays’ that I spent alone because I didn’t have the money to go anywhere and I had not let anyone know that I’d be alone because I didn’t want my happy, married friends feeling sorry for me... so many times over the years I have neglected our friendship when I needed you most. And now, now it’s that ‘every other year’ Christmas again, and again I have no plans to spend it with anyone. I wish I had a husband, or even a boyfriend, but I don’t.  And I am ashamed to say that I no longer feel close enough to any of you to just naturally be invited over as ‘Aunt Shelley’ to spend Christmas with you and your family. Then, to top it off, I am in a new city. I am sad to say that during these times I have pulled back, isolated myself, and felt very alone….. thus changing the dynamics of our friendship. Therefore, when I have a life problem, a heartbreak, etc. I no longer even call you, because I tell myself that I don’t want to be a burden on you or anyone else.  And in the past 16 years, I have felt more and more alone.

My parents seem to think I just need a husband, and I agree that a husband would be a wonderful. What a gift it will be someday, to share life with a man who loves me! But, even a husband cannot take the place of girlfriends, ‘best friends’ who know my soul.

Why does that make me cry so hard just to think about?

Why am I so afraid to bear my soul to my friends?

How come I fear being judged and not loved?

I have been feeling sorry for myself a lot these past years.

But, I will conquer this!

In 2014 my New Year’s resolution to you - my girlfriends - is to open up, be vulnerable, and let you be there for me. I am going to be a better girlfriend to you, and hopefully reap the benefits of some of the best friends in my life!

So get ready girlfriends, I am going to turn a new leaf, make a better effort to trust and not be afraid of showing my vulnerability during rough times, along with my joy during the good times. I want to cherish the women in my life and grow my friendship with you.  

All I ask is that you don’t ever let me fall away again.

I need you!

Your friend,

Shelley

Divorce

My very opinionated view of divorce.

It's probably the worst thing I ever did for my child.
If his father and I had dated longer, maybe we would not have been married. Only God knows.
But, since we did marry.... if we had just grown up, put ourselves aside, tried harder every day to bring out the best in each other, and stopped ourselves from letting our own 'baggage' get in the way, we would have saved our child a lot of heartbreak and sorrow.
We would also be sharing in the joy of his successes now.... together
which would bring immense joy to our son!
And he deserves that.
No child deserves to be a victim of divorce.

After my divorce, I quickly realized that I was going to better serve my son and be the best possible parent I could be, if I stayed single and didn't confuse things by trying to make room for another husband in my life. Besides I couldn't bear the thought of putting my child through the ups and downs of a relationship outside of the one I should  be having with his father.

As co-parents, the common goal must be our children.
It is an 18 year commitment for each and every child we bring into this world.
I truly believe it is our moral obligation to be the very best parent we can be, to raise our children up to be the best human being they can be, to reach their highest potential, to be compassionate global citizens, to strive to succeed beyond our own successes, and to use their skills/talents as a platform for making a positive difference in our world.

Cancer...

I was reminded this week of my need to live every day as if it may be my last. 

To be thankful for the blessings in my life and the breath I take as I rise each morning. 

To give love and share joy and spread compassion, and mercy, and peace as I move through my day. 

To be humble and forgiving and to stop wanting more.

To Be life-giving, adding to, not taking from, others.

You see, we are all here to inspire and live and give life as if we only have today to make a positive impact, because we are all dying, and the person you frowned at, yelled at, ignored, hung up on, disrespected, or disregarded, may not be here tomorrow.

My dear friend Laura (age 48) was diagnosed with breast cancer last year and it has now metastasized into her brain. She had a double mastectomy and reconstructive surgery, was declared cancer-free! But about a month later, she got a headache that just wouldn't go away. Now, she has been confronted with the worst news possible, yet she still remains amazingly positive in her outlook and encourages me to live for today. 

Laura recently wrote:

"Here is what the doctors have said: there is no cure at this point, whatever treatment we do now is administered as a means to extend my life by as much as possible. These tumors will continue to come back and will, most likely travel down my spinal column, at which point the prognosis is not good. We don't know when that will happen, could be months or could be years. The treatment we will start with is focal radiation (like I had in July that completely shrunk my tumor). The plan is to do 6 months of pill-form chemo and see if that keeps the tumors at bay. We may at some point decide to do Whole Brain radiation which will effect my quality of life dramatically.
However, here is what I know and place my hope in: God is bigger than this and knows the timing of my life. I believe that we all should live as if we are dying...I happen to know what it is that I am dying from but that doesn't change how I live, just the ferocity with which I live it. He is bigger, He is stronger, He gives me fresh oil for every day.
Today, love people! Not just the ones you love but also the unlovely ones and the ones you disagree with. Be generous and choose a smile today. Now go...do that...because you have today to do it!"

So I ask myself...

How are you living today?

Are you focused on your own happiness...  at the expense of others?

Are you giving?  or taking?

Contributing? or contaminating?

What impact are you making on others?

Did you apologize? forgive? or make things right?

What legacy will you leave?

How will you be remembered by those who knew you best?

It's not too late.... you have today.

A Change is Coming.....

I've been through a lot of changes this past year or two.....
My son went off to college and I realized I was suddenly living alone for the first time since 1991,
I decided to start dating, felt in love,  felt heartbreak,
thought about a career change.....or two, or just relocating,
declared I was tired of the gloomy Oregon winters, and made up my mind to try something new and leave as soon as we enjoyed one more great summer in Portland.

So.... I leased my house out for a year.
Sold most of my belongings.
Bought a Traverse.
Put a carrier on top and a bike rack on back.
Loaded it as full as I could.
Made room for Buddy (our golden retriever)
and left Portland....

I had an all day meeting with a client in Seattle on Thursday Aug 29th, and there was No Way that my house was going to be empty and clean and ready to leave. Therefore, I convinced my mom to come help me. She worked so hard, bless her heart! And, she also didn't want to say goodbye, so....

Mom drove to Seattle too, got stuck in a major rain storm and was sitting on I-5 between Olympia and Tacoma for 4 hours!

Friday we took a much-needed spa day together in Woodinville, which mom totally deserved after all she had done to help me!
















Saturday morning I packed and repacked some things in my car, looked a the map, loaded Buddy, then headed for Boise. My plan: to take my time and make it to Boston.






I quickly discovered that a grande, triple shot, 6 pump hazelnut latte could keep me going for 8 hours if I combined it with 3 Wellness Formula capsules, every 3 hours.  wow!  I was flying....

After a couple nights with my girlfriend in Boise, I headed for Colorado. Passed through Utah and into Wyoming. 

Bought a cowgirl hat at a truck stop. 

Filled the gas tank numerous times. 

Stayed a couple nights with more good friends in Denver, and headed to Kansas.








I knew I was in Kansas when I passed a hurricane/twister tracker mobile - Ha!











Stopped and ate dinner with my son in Lawrence (Buddy was so happy to see Landen and get out of the car), then I headed to my friend's house in Kansas City. She had the nicest gift bag waiting for me!

Having spent over $500 in gas, I decided to stay awhile in Kansas City.
Besides, I am a Jayhawk fan now and basketball season will begin soon....
For all my friends I planned to stay with between KC and Boston - don't lose hope, I may still head that way, but for now I am enjoying some Rock Chalk Choice Awards and time with my handsome son!

Finally....
Because I am 46 years old, believe I can do anything I want to do, and am not afraid of the word 'No',
I decided to walk into a couple local TV stations yesterday, pitch a few ideas, explain that I have no reel and no current broadcast experience.....but that I thought it would be great to use my University of Oregon Journalism degree, passion for sports, and creative ideas,  and do some special segments or learn to do courtside/sideline sports reporting!  I had some great brainstorming sessions and made some good connections, so...... we'll see what happens next. In the meantime, I will continue to do curriculum design and corporate training. But just wait...... my big break by still be out there - in the heartland of America.

Stay tuned!

For my girlfriends over 40...

What The Hell Is Happening To ME?!
My peri-menopausal truth (slightly exaggerated)
2012

Lately, I don't know what's going on.... my body is hot from the inside out. My emotions are all over the place. I feel like I'm "in heat".  And I’m going out of my freakin mind! What’s wrong with me?!

I only sleep about 4 hours a night. Sometimes I’m shivering and the rest of the time I’m burning up. When I wake up, I never know what to expect. In fact for 6 months I wrote down my first feelings every morning when I woke up, to track my mood. 

It was great.... I could consciously look at exactly how CraZy I was feeling. 

Better to be Aware… right? 

Well, one day I woke up feeling happy, confident and beautiful...ready to embrace the day. 

The next day I woke up completely pissed off, ready to throw the cat, kick the dog and cuss out my parents for ruining my life. 

The next day I woke up so horny I want to make a ‘booty-call’ but felt ticked-off because I don’t have “those kind” of relationships in my life. 

The next day I woke up ready to dive in and read the word… yes, the bible.... after all I do try to be a Godly woman who has great faith. The problem is that now-a-days my prayers are often filled with ridiculous pleas for a man, or the aching questions of “Why me God? Why are you letting this happen to me?” The next day I woke up and heard the birds singing before I ever opened my eyes... and I lay there thinking.... life is so good, I have the freedom to choose exactly how I want to live this day.     

    

You get the picture.

So, I went to my Naturopathic doctor who specializes in “The Change” and I explained that I was determined Not to lose my mind! He told me it was all normal and I could try some sort of natural progesterone cream made from wild yams. 

I did. 

It was like a sedative.
Every time I rub it on the inside of my wrists or thighs,
I exhale and realize this CAN be controlled. Ha! 

The problem is I ran out last week.

Then....I met a fine, single man. He met my incredibly narrow list of physical attractions – over 6’4”, thin, fit, handsome. This man was younger and wildly attracted to me from what I could tell. 

But....now.... I can guarantee that he will probably Never talk to a woman in her 40’s again! 

By yesterday I had successfully convinced him that I was legitimately CraZy! 

I liked him, then didn’t like him...wanted him, then didn’t want him...tried sexting…. HA! that was laughable...cried from embarrassment, begged him to spend time with me, then blasted him for not spending enough time. One day I preached to him about my morals and values then a couple hours later I would have done almost anything just to see him stand naked in front of me. 

Last night I sent him a 10 page text and ended it with something like:
I’m one out of control raging hormone - Do Not Contact Me!  

What The Hell is Wrong With Me?!

One minute I’m laughing... the next I'm crying.
One minute I want to make a baby and the next I can’t stand the thought of waking up to a crying child. 

I think I’m beautiful. I think I’m fat. 

I feel exhilarated. I feel exhausted. 

And it goes on and on and on.....  

I am a single, empty-nester. My child is raised and off to college. You’d think I would be relaxing every day with a clean home and plenty of time to see friends, travel, create, and welcome in Phase 2 of my life.

Don’t get me wrong here - I do welcome, with enthusiasm, the open door in front of me, and all the possibilities that the best is yet to come!  I am excited about life. Joyful. Hopeful. Happy (most of the time)  The problem is that my raging hormones have me convinced at least 50% of the time that I just want to drink and have sex like a wild woman. What is that?!  I wasn’t even that person in college!  And I’m the last person you’d expect to be that way now! I even considered the possibility of getting high the other day. What the **?!  I have never wanted to get high!
My God, I’m losing my mind!

I sat in church last week and listened to the pastor say it’s ok to tell the Devil to “Go to Hell” when we are feeling tempted. Well I’m telling my CraZy hormones to “Go to Hell”.  Instead of praying before bed last night, I just looked up at the ceiling and said out loud, “Is this some kind of ridiculous joke?”.

I had to laugh! 

Sadly, I now know why so many women in their 40’s are medicated...

Girlfriends, I know, you know exactly what I’m talking about! And if you don’t... trust me, you will soon enough.  We just never talk about this stuff because no woman in her right mind is willing to admit this exists…right?! 

Oh no, we want to hold our composure and act like nothing is wrong. Usually we don't even know we are in "The Change" except that suddenly we have no idea what the heck is happening to our body, our mind, our ability to function as a normal human being. Half the time I laugh at myself and the other half I’m so embarrassed by what I may have done 5 minutes ago that I just want to run and hide.

By the way, I didn't even used to cuss…. 

Do ya feel me?

Just remember.... that you are not alone. I’m convinced that every peri-menopausal woman is on the verge of CraZy now and then!  

In fact, Dr. Oz did a show on peri-menopausal rage.  

I learned that Peri-menopause is the time period shortly before a woman begins to experience full menopause. Typically it occurs between the ages of 35 to 55 when a woman is still having her period, although perhaps not as frequently or as long as previously. In fact, this is a time when a woman may first begin to feel that something is "not quite right” about her body as she begins to sense hormonal changes coursing through her veins. 

Ya think? .....

It was described and PMS while on Angel Dust.  Ha!

But I have to laugh and say, “Stay conscious girlfriends! Don't lose faith! You're Not losing your mind. Embrace your temporary peri-menopausal CraZy and try to Stay Sane!      

This too shall pass! ….right?”