Best Friends

An Open Letter to My Girlfriends,

Recently I flew to the Bahamas to stay with some other basketball moms and enjoy our sons playing in a Thanksgiving week tournament. Since moving to Lawrence, KS a couple months ago, I have met a new girlfriend, the type who seems to me would be a great ‘best friend’.  Thank God for her! She is my age, trusts in God, loves a good conversation and a good glass of wine, and she lives just a few blocks from my home. When I told her I was going to the Bahamas for a week, she asked me if I needed a ride to the airport in KC, which happens to be an hour away from Lawrence.  At first I said no, but then I took her up on it, but feeling incredibly guilty for the trouble it might be. I even called her the morning she was supposed to pick me up, and I said, “I’ll just drive myself”. She said, “Why? I was looking forward to it. It’s really no problem.”  So I went for it. I let her drive me to the airport and it felt so good to have a friend. On the way, she asked me when I was coming back. I told her and she said she would pick me up.  Even then, I said I would try to find someone else (as if I knew anyone else who could pick me up.)  I was new here. I had not established any girlfriends yet and I was not dating anyone, so who in the world was going to pick me up?!

Actually, as I type this it occurs to me that I do have one sweet new girlfriend who I stayed with when I first arrived in Kansas, but she works full-time and lives in a different city, making it impossible for her to pick me up. My son would be in class or basketball practice, and I knew no one except my new friend Pam who was driving me to the airport already, so why wouldn’t I just gratefully say yes, and make the arrangement now for her to pick me up……?  Well, it turns out that I was more comfortable asking my dog-sitter to pick me up and offering to pay her for gas, but she is also a college student and had classes during that time. So, finally, the day before I returned, I text Pam to apologetically ask her if she would pick me up from the airport.  She said, “Of course. I was planning on it.”  OH? I thought, as I apologized again and said thank you.

Which brings me to the topic of girlfriends.  

On the way home from the airport Dec 2nd, Pam asked me what I was doing for the holidays. I told her that my son would fly back to Portland to see his dad for a few days. She asked me why I was not flying home to see friends or family. I told her that my parents would be in Mexico and my friends were all married and would be doing things with their own families. She asked me if I had any siblings and I told her that my only sibling had died at age 21. After she dropped me off at my newly rented home in Lawrence, I spent the rest of the day thankful for her kind friendship! The next day I caught up with a few of my girlfriends by text and went to a couple of appointments, and felt productive. But, by the end of the day, I was alone and lonely again. As soon as I heard Christmas music, I began to cry and feel sorry for myself. I realized that for those of you who I consider to be my best friends, I have done such a terrible job staying in touch, that you often have no idea when I am going through a rough time or about to spend the holidays all alone in a new city.

In fact I have done a lousy job being a friend to those I consider my closest girlfriends. 
It is sharing good times and bad times, that make us close, right?  And, isn’t it needing to depend on each other as a shoulder to cry on, as well as to laugh ridiculously hard with, which creates the friendship bond?  It’s the ability to bear our souls to one another that builds ‘best friends’  and I have not wanted to open up like that ever since my divorce 16 years ago. I have neglected myself of best friends because I was too embarrassed about not having enough money, or showing my pain and suffering and failures to you. I didn’t want to burden my girlfriends with the things that burdened me. So I began to hold things inside and only call you when things were good. And every time I was having a day that I really needed a friend, I would retreat inwardly and alone, until I felt worse, before feeling better again. Before long, so much time passed that I used that as the excuse for not calling you.

Every sad or heartbreaking day that I may have had in the past 16 years, that I have chosen not to share with any of my girlfriends, has separated us rather than creating the strong bond that I so desperately needed! And the one time that I opened myself up and fell in love with a man, I shared all my secrets with him, then felt completely stupid and broken-hearted when it ended. Every time that I have cried myself to sleep wishing I had someone to talk to, the ‘every other holidays’ that I spent alone because I didn’t have the money to go anywhere and I had not let anyone know that I’d be alone because I didn’t want my happy, married friends feeling sorry for me... so many times over the years I have neglected our friendship when I needed you most. And now, now it’s that ‘every other year’ Christmas again, and again I have no plans to spend it with anyone. I wish I had a husband, or even a boyfriend, but I don’t.  And I am ashamed to say that I no longer feel close enough to any of you to just naturally be invited over as ‘Aunt Shelley’ to spend Christmas with you and your family. Then, to top it off, I am in a new city. I am sad to say that during these times I have pulled back, isolated myself, and felt very alone….. thus changing the dynamics of our friendship. Therefore, when I have a life problem, a heartbreak, etc. I no longer even call you, because I tell myself that I don’t want to be a burden on you or anyone else.  And in the past 16 years, I have felt more and more alone.

My parents seem to think I just need a husband, and I agree that a husband would be a wonderful. What a gift it will be someday, to share life with a man who loves me! But, even a husband cannot take the place of girlfriends, ‘best friends’ who know my soul.

Why does that make me cry so hard just to think about?

Why am I so afraid to bear my soul to my friends?

How come I fear being judged and not loved?

I have been feeling sorry for myself a lot these past years.

But, I will conquer this!

In 2014 my New Year’s resolution to you - my girlfriends - is to open up, be vulnerable, and let you be there for me. I am going to be a better girlfriend to you, and hopefully reap the benefits of some of the best friends in my life!

So get ready girlfriends, I am going to turn a new leaf, make a better effort to trust and not be afraid of showing my vulnerability during rough times, along with my joy during the good times. I want to cherish the women in my life and grow my friendship with you.  

All I ask is that you don’t ever let me fall away again.

I need you!

Your friend,

Shelley