An
Open Letter to My Girlfriends,
Recently I flew to the Bahamas to stay with some other basketball moms and enjoy our sons playing in a Thanksgiving week tournament. Since moving to Lawrence, KS a couple months ago, I have met a new girlfriend, the type who seems to
me would be a great ‘best friend’. Thank God for her! She is my age,
trusts in God, loves a good conversation and a good glass of wine, and she
lives just a few blocks from my home. When I told her I was going to the
Bahamas for a week, she asked me if I needed a ride to the airport in KC, which
happens to be an hour away from Lawrence. At first I said no, but
then I took her up on it, but feeling incredibly guilty for the trouble it
might be. I even called her the morning she was supposed to pick me up, and I
said, “I’ll just drive myself”. She said, “Why? I was looking forward to it.
It’s really no problem.” So I went for it. I let her drive me to the
airport and it felt so good to have a friend. On the way, she asked me when I
was coming back. I told her and she said she would pick me up. Even
then, I said I would try to find someone else (as if I knew anyone else who
could pick me up.) I was new here. I had not established any
girlfriends yet and I was not dating anyone, so who in the world was going to
pick me up?!
Actually,
as I type this it occurs to me that I do have one sweet new girlfriend who I
stayed with when I first arrived in Kansas, but she works full-time and lives in
a different city, making it impossible for her to pick me up. My son would be
in class or basketball practice, and I knew no one except my new friend Pam who
was driving me to the airport already, so why wouldn’t I just gratefully say
yes, and make the arrangement now for her to pick me up……? Well, it
turns out that I was more comfortable asking my dog-sitter to pick me up and
offering to pay her for gas, but she is also a college student and had classes
during that time. So, finally, the day before I returned, I text Pam to
apologetically ask her if she would pick me up from the airport. She
said, “Of course. I was planning on
it.” OH? I thought, as I apologized again and said thank you.
Which
brings me to the topic of girlfriends.
On
the way home from the airport Dec 2nd, Pam asked me what I was doing for the
holidays. I told her that my son would fly back to Portland to see his dad for
a few days. She asked me why I was not flying home to see friends or family. I
told her that my parents would be in Mexico and my friends were all married and
would be doing things with their own families. She asked me if I had any
siblings and I told her that my only sibling had died at age 21. After she
dropped me off at my newly rented home in Lawrence, I spent the rest of the day
thankful for her kind friendship! The next day I caught up with a few of my
girlfriends by text and went to a couple of appointments, and felt productive.
But, by the end of the day, I was alone and lonely again. As soon as I heard
Christmas music, I began to cry and feel sorry for myself. I realized that for
those of you who I consider to be my best friends, I have done such a terrible
job staying in touch, that you often have no idea when I am going through a
rough time or about to spend the holidays all alone in a new city.
In
fact I have done a lousy job being a friend to those I consider my closest
girlfriends.
It is sharing good times and bad times, that make us close, right? And, isn’t it needing to depend on each other as a shoulder to cry on, as well as to laugh
ridiculously hard with, which creates the friendship bond? It’s the
ability to bear our souls to one another that builds ‘best friends’ and
I have not wanted to open up like that ever since my divorce 16 years ago. I
have neglected myself of best friends because I was too embarrassed about not
having enough money, or showing my pain and suffering and failures to you. I didn’t want to burden my girlfriends with the things that
burdened me. So I began to hold things inside and only call you when
things were good. And every time I was having a day that I really needed a
friend, I would retreat inwardly and alone, until I felt worse, before feeling better again. Before
long, so much time passed that I used that as the excuse for not calling you.
Every sad or heartbreaking day that I may have had in the past 16 years, that I have chosen not to share with
any of my girlfriends, has separated us rather than creating the strong bond
that I so desperately needed! And the one time that I opened myself up and fell in love
with a man, I shared all my secrets with him, then felt completely stupid and
broken-hearted when it ended. Every time that I have cried myself to sleep
wishing I had someone to talk to, the ‘every other holidays’ that I spent alone
because I didn’t have the money to go anywhere and I had not let anyone know
that I’d be alone because I didn’t want my happy, married friends feeling sorry
for me... so many times over the years I have neglected our friendship when I needed you most. And now, now it’s that ‘every other year’ Christmas
again, and again I have no plans to spend it with anyone. I wish I had a
husband, or even a boyfriend, but I don’t. And I am ashamed to say
that I no longer feel close enough to any of you to just naturally
be invited over as ‘Aunt Shelley’ to spend Christmas with you and your
family. Then, to top it off, I am in a new city. I am sad to say that during
these times I have pulled back, isolated myself, and felt very alone….. thus
changing the dynamics of our friendship. Therefore, when I have a life problem,
a heartbreak, etc. I no longer even call you, because I tell myself
that I don’t want to be a burden on you or anyone else. And in the past 16
years, I have felt more and more alone.
My
parents seem to think I just need a husband, and I agree that a husband would
be a wonderful. What a gift it will be someday, to share life with a man who loves me! But, even a husband
cannot take the place of girlfriends, ‘best friends’ who know my soul.
Why
does that make me cry so hard just to think about?
Why
am I so afraid to bear my soul to my friends?
How
come I fear being judged and not loved?
I
have been feeling sorry for myself a lot these past years.
But, I
will conquer this!
In
2014 my New Year’s resolution to you - my girlfriends - is to open up, be vulnerable, and let you be there for me. I am going to be a better girlfriend to you, and hopefully
reap the benefits of some of the best friends in my life!
So
get ready girlfriends, I am going to turn a new
leaf, make a better effort to trust and not be afraid of showing my
vulnerability during rough times, along with my joy during the good times. I want
to cherish the women in my life and grow my friendship with you.
All
I ask is that you don’t ever let me fall away again.
I
need you!
Your
friend,
Shelley
